Simon Says


Nightmares of that night still haunt me, the never ending river or ember stains my thoughts. I find it impossible to have committed those sins; however I may have a platonic fixation with his work. He mesmerized me with his cunning nature since our youth, I couldn’t bear to leave him alone at those times of his rage, I was his only friend, someone had to assist him… why not me? It all started in a cold winter’s day; we were only eleven years old. He was upset with father. Father was always reluctant and carried a proud militant nature, that particular day he had punished him without any reason, he always saw my Simon as the fragile and useless child of his misfortune. But Simon, my beloved Simon, was nothing like that. However it saddens me that Simon took such a drastic initiative yet there was no other way out. Sometimes the quickest exit to ones troubles can be done with a knife. Yes… a knife. It was father’s favorite piece of silver wear, steady and strong and it left no messy cuts. I was asleep when the murder occurred but awoke with his gentile touch to confirm our newfound freedom from our parents grasp. I never thought it possible yet we had no parental figures to rely on since that dreadful night, I am amazed I didn’t shed a tear when I saw the gruesome pair. It was cold and messy but I assisted him so as to make this a believable mishap, we made the house a mess and even hurt ourselves so as to blame this on an anonymous stranger that never was. It was credible, for we lived alone retracted from the world and in a way I felt relieved that it was understood by the police. I couldn’t bare loosing Simon; he was all I had left. I believe this would be the biggest mistake of my life yet till now it has proven not to be so. Once out of our humble abode Simon and I traveled from relative estates to relative estates. They all complained that Simon was odd and that I was too quiet, Simon hated when anyone would criticize me that is why he pushed aunt Flora down the stairs. Yes… he did and I smiled. It was terrible, I knew it was wrong, but ending troubles so easily was better than to drag them along an entire lifetime. Aunt Flora recovered from her neck injury… well so to speak for she was paraplegic now; she carried a look of fear in her eyes the day she came back home. She couldn’t speak and Simon found that amusing. As did I, whatever he liked I seemed to like it too. We were a dangerous pair… that is until cousin Andrew took us in. Do to Flora’s careless steps and her now permanent condition we had no caretaker thus someone had to be involved. We were just children… children shouldn’t be left alone.

Andrew was a kind man and Simon warmed up to him with ease, all was well for a year or two, but Andrew had a secret, he was obsessed with little girls. Being a little girl myself it was do in time for him to try to take advantage of me. I remember it perfectly; it still runs vivid in my mind till this day. I was in the play room looking at my dolls, I never fancied them yet I liked their eyes, I found no use in dolls for I never saw a practicality to their creation. Nevertheless little girls are supposed to play with them; Simon was outside playing with his magnifying glass while Andrew stood at the doorway. I looked up from where I was sitting and smiled at him. He gave a smile that was unusual from the others before, to me it was like a gesture of hunger. I never feared anything till that day… Andrew told me I was pretty “Pretty girls are good girls” he said. I replied that I was good and managed a weak smile, I was nervous for he now sat face to face with my little self.  He placed his hands upon my shoulders and kissed my cheek. My body grew tense, not even my deceased mother had kissed me like that before. He took me by the waist and sat me on his knee. I looked into his eyes and I knew he could see my fear. He kissed my cheek once more and his hands were now on my waist, I struggled to release myself but it was to no gain. He was much stronger and overpowered me easily. As he tried to overcome me, I saw Simon in the doorway, his eyes were wide in shock as my screams overshadowed the room.

At that moment Simon was still, while I was helpless, I found myself fearing that for the first time in my life Simon wouldn’t do anything at all. He just stood there while Andrew ravaged me, my screams and tears seemed to have no effect on my brother Simon. I stared into his wide brown eyes silently pleading for him to do something yet there he stood for plenty of agonizing minutes. In the pain I closed my eyes and upon opening them Simon was gone. I felt frustrated and alone, he left, I meant nothing anymore.

I closed my eyes once more hoping this was just a nightmare, praying for this to be over with, he was leaving marks on my skin he was hurting me everywhere. My voice was gone with all the screaming then a loud sound filled the room, like a crash upon a tender surface;  in an instant I felt the weight of Andrew topple over, that was when I felt safe once more. Amidst all this chaos Simon reacted and quickly retrieved a shovel that was on the back of the house to then plant it’s rusty surface on Andrews skull in one blow. No matter how relived I was to have been saved from that torture a hint of doubt and fright crossed my mind for I realized that if not careful Simon could also destroy me.
I looked into his eyes, and for the first time I could tell that he was afraid. That alone told me that there were emotions within him for he was one of few words. “Is he dead?” I pondered. Simon grew closer to Andrews figure checked him and nodded his head. “What will we do? There is no way out of this Simon, are we done for?” “No… I’ll leave”. A puzzled look was on my face, I could tell that he noticed for he came close to me and hugged me tightly. In whispers we comforted each other “I’ll miss you Amara you are my everything” “I love you brother. Where will you go?” “Far… I’ll find you when I’m ready to face the world once more”. He pulled away and walked on and out of my life. My knees grew weak and soon I was on the floor crying once more. Back then I didn’t know what to do without Simon in my life, he meant the world to me and we were just kids when all this happened to us. Could we have known any better? I knew naught what to blame for who we were and for the actions we had taken, nevertheless Simon will forever hold a unique place in my heart.  Soon after a day or two neighbors grew worried for they saw no movements within that house, I was found in a corner, while the festering flesh of our cousin left its putrid mark on the world of the living. I was asked what had happened yet all I could do was weep. I promised myself I wouldn’t  speak of my life previous to Simons disappearance and I’ve kept it till this day.  

From there on out my life has never been the same, I saw his face everywhere and hoped to find him, to see him just once more if only for a second. My silence was my penance; I lost myself in thought yearning to hold on to the lingering memories of my brother, whilst trying to erase those that had caused me pain. I went from foster home to foster home, all complained of my quietness and lack of social skills. They said I was a deceiver for I looked like a good girl yet for some reason I was a rotten child. Those who did care a tad more for my wellbeing sent me to therapists in hopes for “improvement” however I was tagged as a hopeless case those who didn’t returned me like if it was policy to return a broken object. As a matter of fact I rather be a hopeless case than like everyone else for people respected, maybe feared being next to me, thus I had more time to think, to be with myself in my own place. In the end little girls grow up and I was helped by the state to have a mediocre life like everyone else, which includes a mediocre job and a mediocre home. I was fine with that, for I now depend on me. Lonely days followed, and then lonely years came and went. I was actually doing just fine; as a matter of fact I was happy for once, I even found someone to share my lonely heart with. As for Simon, he was but an ephemeral memory; all I could recall were his eyes.

So far, my beloved Jared and me were now settled and even lived together. It was blissful even with all its complications for he was a bit more outspoken than myself, either way we were and still are fine. I look at the calendar today is May 13 and I realize that in a day like today Simon and I were born. Did I forget to mention that we are twins, the fraternal kind. A gloom state fell upon me. Where could he be? How is he doing? Is he still among us? As I pondered this the clock struck 5 in the afternoon, my shift was over for the day and Jared must be home by now, maybe even with a surprise. I felt excited; he always makes me smile.  I punch out my card and stroll away for our apartment was close by. I stopped to get some supplies, a bit of water and a loaf of bread; well today I felt bold thus a bit of ice cream was on demand.  I found myself smiling, it’s amazing how some can leave a troublesome past behind, I was blessed to be part of the few who could embrace past facts and not worry anymore. It is impossible to find myself in the same circumstances as those of my childhood; the hazardous element in my life, the passionate troublesome being that I loved was gone. I grew up to be just me, and that “us” we used to be was gone, maybe even for good.

I twist the key and open my door, turn on the light as part of my routine and toss my jacket to the side. I swiftly go to the kitchen as usual, place my supplies in order, put my phone on the countertop and wash my hands, however there was something different today. I look at my knife stand and one is missing. I pondered what had I done this morning yet I know that I had not touched them, the knives that is. I look around in am surprised to find that my heartbeat is accelerating. There had to be a simple explanation to this. I look in the few drawers and it isn’t there. My breathing gets faster, I look behind me to find a monster yet I am alone in the quaint kitchen. I look to the doorway and look to the other side where our room was. “Jared? You home?” I get no reply. “Jared… this isn’t funny… stop the teasing”. Fear creeps up and I have no strength to go to our room, instead I carefully head towards the front door. I look around and when I look at the side table where I always leave my keys… they weren’t there. I was locked in. I look around, frigid in fear. “Jared! I mean it… stop the teasing!” Then I hear the door to our room creek, I find that my hands are shaking.

I look to the window and its nightfall already. “Jared? Jared?  I don’t like these kinds of surprises”. I rummaged my pockets in search of my cell-phone; I remember that I left it on the countertop as usual yet I don’t want to go look for it. I stand still for a few agonizing minutes and at a moment I gather some strength to move, my phone is my solution. I carefully make my way towards the kitchen, like a frightened hare my head moves to all directions. I see nothing, only that the door to my room was partially open now.  I look towards the countertop and see that my phone is there. I quickly go towards it and call Jared, in horror I hear the phone ring in our room. My palms are sweaty and my heartbeat is so loud I can’t even hear myself think. “Hello Amara”. That voice… I haven’t heard that voice before; my back was still towards that voice. I fear to turn and see what… who waits. “Amara… please turn around” I find that I am obeying the request as I automatically do as I am told. There on the other side of the kitchen was a man. He was tall thin and had dark messy hair. He was dressed in black and had his hands on his back, so I had no clue if he carried anything that could harm me. He was looking down so I couldn’t see his features. There was only one name that came to my mind… Simon. “Simon… Is that you?” there is no reply. “You forgot me didn’t you?” “Simon… what do you mean?” “You forgot me, I vanished because of you and you forgot me nevertheless… you are an ungrateful being”.”Simon…I…I…what did you expect?” He looks up and his eyes are still the same, potent, bottomless, dark and unresponsive.

Fear took hold of me and I just couldn’t seem to make a move. He was now walking towards me, his eyes fixated on mine. “I see that you have made a life of your own… do you care to know what happened to me ever since that day I left.” “Simon… I… though I’d never see you again” “Didn’t I make a vow as to come to you when I was ready to face the world. I always keep my word Amara, I thought you’d wait”. He now stands three feet away from me; I find that I have no words to say. “Cat got your tongue dear Amara?” That said he smirks and looks down once more, this time he shakes his head in dismay. “You know… I thought you’d be faithful, that you’d wait for my return that you’d care enough so as to even try to find me… I thought you loved me…” “I do… I did and I shall always love you Simon” “Not the way I want you to…” I was surprised he said that and in a way it made me feel unwell.

“Simon… what more love can a sister give?” He looks up and smiles an uneasy smile that made me shiver. “The kind I need… I needed you by my side for so long Amara… yet you went off and made a life on your own… while I rotted away in misfortune” “Simon… you’re sick… we are sick… we need help”. He freezes; I now realize that I may have not chosen an appropriate statement. “Sick! You think I am sick! Ha!” That said what followed was a haze of movements, one second he was still the next I was pinned to the floor with his hands on my neck. “You knew you meant the world for me Amara, I wouldn’t have done what I did if it wasn’t for you and this is the thanks I get! You being with a man!” I was out of air, he held tighter and tighter. “If I can’t have you… No one can!” Those were the final words I heard my Simon say.